Moments of Clarity...

It seems that I'm experiencing a long overdue awakening.  I'm finding moments of clarity...seeing colour where there was only shades of grey and cheerful light where once there was only bleak darkness.  I'm seeing life from new perspectives...re-aquainting myself with my inner strength of character...finding confidence once again.  I'm healing from the inside out.

My husband of 18 years is thrilled to "have his girl back again" and I'm coming out the other side of this experience feeling as though I've travelled through a long dark train tunnel with only glimpses of scenery along the way... It's been a long time since I trusted what I felt, had conviction in what I believed, and cloaked myself in the confidence and assurity that I am a good person.

Why?  Indeed...why.  There have been many contributing factors, not the least of which has been an ongoing struggle with Chronic Depression/Anxiety and later in life, with PTSD.  Stigmas attached to these health conditions prevent many from disclosing them, but I have always felt compelled to be the voice of the underdog with full disclosure and I attempted to educate people one by one..only to find myself subjected to judgement.  There was a time, even at my weakest, that I found strength in knowing that I was one of thousands and I found purpose in taking to task to educate others rather than hide in shame.

But alas - I succumbed to the overpowering momentum of theses debilitating illnesses and lost myself in the complex depths of their all-encompassing depravity.  It wasn't overnight and I fought a good hardy battle (often with the erroneous belief that I had won) only to find myself ambushed again and again.  It was this ongoing struggle of finally finding my footing, only to feel as though someone pulled the rug from under me, time and time again that inevitably wore me down. I didn't trust that I would ever find my strength, or even myself, again. Aside from being "sensitive" or moody, a bit unreliable, forgetful and overweight, those who didn't know me prior would likely not know that I suffer from two invisible illnesses.

Invisible illnesses are those not seen by others as debilitating and worse yet, they are often conceived as weak or even fraudulent illnesses; a crux or means to gain attention.  Those struggling with Depression, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromialgia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) know this all too well. Despite the belief that we are weak, we are a strong bunch (which many debate is what brought us to our perverbial knees). There is often a pattern of severe trauma and psychological pain that we had to prevail through that precede these illnesses.  So strong are we that we don't allow many to be privy to our struggle with physical pain, emotional despair, fatigue, sleep depravity, digestion issues and so much more...  We do all this while we continue on our daily routines and our duties as mothers or fathers, and attempt to maintain appearances while we struggle to keep our careers.

While I'm feeling overtly confident that I am finally at a place where I can look at my struggles from the outside in for the first time in many years, I am still accutely aware that there is a long road ahead of me. I'm finally building a bridge and getting over it but healing is a process.  But for those of you who have taken the time to read this far, I would like to inspire you to give thought before you judge others.  I hope that this has been thought provoking for you and that if you're lucky enough to never have experienced such pain or trauma that you've not succumbed to these disorders, that you will be thankful for your good fortune and/or for the support system you had in your times of need.

Irony...a year later

Here I am again...still searching for an answer..."What will I be when I grow up?"

It occurred to me once again, as I find myself in that crux in the roads and I haven't yet decided what career path I will choose, that I still haven't really explored my supposed "talent" as a writer.

I spend the day writing emails and on facebook and realized just how much I really do enjoy putting fingers to keyboard, expressing thoughts into words, imagining that my opinions and observations are well received and provoke thought.  So I thought, perhaps I should check what local programs or courses are offered to aspiring writers here on the Sunshine Coast.  In doing so, I stumbled upon a local who offers classes  and noticed that she offered for people to "follow" her blog.

My blog!!!  That's right!  I started a blog with the intent of pursuing that outlet of expression not so long ago!  But for the life of me I couldn't recall on what domain or whatever we're supposed to call that... (I'm certainly not technically inclined, am I?)  Again a Google search and "Aha!"-  it was Blogger!  So I found my original post and, here's the irony, it was almost exactly a year ago that I wrote it!

A year!?  Really?  Time really has a way of sliding past us doesn't it?  But, wow - odd that a year ago I had come to the same conclusion - that I should try writing for the purpose of expression, exploring a joy and supposed talent, and the off chance it could lead to a new career.

Upon reflection I realize that so much has happened in this past year. If I had been "blogging" I would have shared so many experiences, challenges, emotions, and life lessons.  Perhaps I would have touched someone and made a difference in their life by sharing my journey.

If I've learned anything this past year, it's been that life can often be difficult and downright painful; that it throws us challenges that can be completely debilitating. But also that it's healthy to express our thoughts, fears and emotions during those times; to reach out to those we trust.  And perhaps, most importantly, that during those times, we find out who our friends are when chips are down.

It was a tough year for many people that I personally know and for many whose lives I'm linked into via social media.  Perhaps it was in the planets - a cycle of death, health issues, and deep emotional pain.  Or perhaps when we're struggling we just find solace in knowing we're not the only ones...in leaving our own pain behind just long enough to be supportive or to commiserate with others.

I have so much to tell (to those who may be interested) and I hope that I don't find another year has passed before sharing again.  I write because I enjoy the outlet, but I'll admit that I need acceptance like I need air.  So if you enjoy my rambling, let me know and we'll share a journey. Until next time...Cheers!

First attempt

Well friends, here it is...my first blog and attempt at fullfilling (what I've been told by many) is supposedly my destiny.  I've not a clue what I'll be writing about, just that writing is something that I enjoy, seem to be fairly good at, and that apparently others earnestly enjoy reading my attempts at literacy (much to my surprise).  Well..since my husband always says I love to hear myself talk, perhaps this way I'll have a captive audience; and if not, I'll never know that I've lost your attention so at least my feelings won't be hurt!  (Hey - I can FEEL you leaving already...please read on a bit and give me a chance!)

I've titled my blog "intuition rules" (mostly because everything else I attempted to select in the preceding half hour was taken by those wittier, more imaginative and obviously more timely at starting a blog than myself) but also because I recently took a career test that defined my personality as a "Spontaneous Idealist" (which sounded laughable to me actually...) and it described me as having an "uncanny intuition".  Admittedly, upon reflection, most of my life I have had little to rely upon except my intuition and it just may have saved my hide a time or three.

So for those of you as unfamiliar with career or personality tests as I was, I just Google'd it and up popped a number of free options for both.  I found them quite interesting (but perhaps that's just my personality) and the results very enlightening.  At this point in time, I find myself considering a career change (once again) due to restrictions "put upon me" rather than by personal choice.  (There's a history there to delve into and we're not going to go there right now - that's a whole other blog-worthy site in itself!)

And so, what do I happen upon as career posibilities? - a number of things I have already done (at least I've been on the right path so far) as well as a few things that I often considered:

Consultant - check (not paid much mind you, but it's on the resume)
Psychologist - check (well, pretty much!  As a nailist, or as some like to call me; "manicurist", I got to hear many a story and proffer my wisdom. Again, another whole blog story)
Entrepreneur - check, check, check, check (a few times...)
Actor - check (well, entertainer actually, but really the same thing - and another story)
Teacher - check (yeesh!  I really have done a lot of stuff!)
Conference Planner - check (I gave it a valiant effort but a little thing like funding helps)
Marketer - ooooh, oooh, oooh!  (I've been self-taught & loved it - it's under consideration...)
Career Councellor - hell, I can't even figure out my own shit when it comes to that!
Artist/Painter - it's on the bucket list - and would be in memory of you Grampa Jack...
Musician - with my lungs, I'm told I really missed my calling!  JAAAACCKKKK!  RYYYAAAN!
Editor - seriously, doesn't anyone use spell/grammar check?  I always find type-o's!
Writer/Journalist - check (and there it is folks - my future destiny?)

So!  Today I start my blog and as a true rookie, I'll work out the kinks and figure it out as I go along.  I'll try to share some insight, words of wisdom (take it for what it's worth), a few laughs, and my story as it unfolds, or if we ever get around to those "other" stories, the past stories which have created the woman I am today. 

Thanks for reading!