It seems that I'm experiencing a long overdue awakening. I'm finding moments of clarity...seeing colour where there was only shades of grey and cheerful light where once there was only bleak darkness. I'm seeing life from new perspectives...re-aquainting myself with my inner strength of character...finding confidence once again. I'm healing from the inside out.
My husband of 18 years is thrilled to "have his girl back again" and I'm coming out the other side of this experience feeling as though I've travelled through a long dark train tunnel with only glimpses of scenery along the way... It's been a long time since I trusted what I felt, had conviction in what I believed, and cloaked myself in the confidence and assurity that I am a good person.
Why? Indeed...why. There have been many contributing factors, not the least of which has been an ongoing struggle with Chronic Depression/Anxiety and later in life, with PTSD. Stigmas attached to these health conditions prevent many from disclosing them, but I have always felt compelled to be the voice of the underdog with full disclosure and I attempted to educate people one by one..only to find myself subjected to judgement. There was a time, even at my weakest, that I found strength in knowing that I was one of thousands and I found purpose in taking to task to educate others rather than hide in shame.
But alas - I succumbed to the overpowering momentum of theses debilitating illnesses and lost myself in the complex depths of their all-encompassing depravity. It wasn't overnight and I fought a good hardy battle (often with the erroneous belief that I had won) only to find myself ambushed again and again. It was this ongoing struggle of finally finding my footing, only to feel as though someone pulled the rug from under me, time and time again that inevitably wore me down. I didn't trust that I would ever find my strength, or even myself, again. Aside from being "sensitive" or moody, a bit unreliable, forgetful and overweight, those who didn't know me prior would likely not know that I suffer from two invisible illnesses.
Invisible illnesses are those not seen by others as debilitating and worse yet, they are often conceived as weak or even fraudulent illnesses; a crux or means to gain attention. Those struggling with Depression, Chronic Fatigue, Fibromialgia and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) know this all too well. Despite the belief that we are weak, we are a strong bunch (which many debate is what brought us to our perverbial knees). There is often a pattern of severe trauma and psychological pain that we had to prevail through that precede these illnesses. So strong are we that we don't allow many to be privy to our struggle with physical pain, emotional despair, fatigue, sleep depravity, digestion issues and so much more... We do all this while we continue on our daily routines and our duties as mothers or fathers, and attempt to maintain appearances while we struggle to keep our careers.
While I'm feeling overtly confident that I am finally at a place where I can look at my struggles from the outside in for the first time in many years, I am still accutely aware that there is a long road ahead of me. I'm finally building a bridge and getting over it but healing is a process. But for those of you who have taken the time to read this far, I would like to inspire you to give thought before you judge others. I hope that this has been thought provoking for you and that if you're lucky enough to never have experienced such pain or trauma that you've not succumbed to these disorders, that you will be thankful for your good fortune and/or for the support system you had in your times of need.
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